I’ve opted to NOT post my piece on Horoscope Signs and Dating. First of all, it revealed way too much information about my history. Second, any girl who was tangentially described in the piece could figure out her ultimate impact on my timeline. So no.
For the record, out of the 5 known “Code-Red Killers”(a term used to describe a girl who induced me to willingly and voluntarily wear the yoke of exclusivity during the Code Red Era) 3 of them happened to be Libras, 1 was a Gemini, the last a Pisces. Libras, obviously, are my favorite sign. The love of my life was a Pisces. Longest serious relationship was a Capricorn. Other then that, I’ve opted against posting that entry.
INSTEAD, I’ve whipped up this piece.
I have this friend. We’ll call him “Gruber.” For the past 4 years, Gruber’s been madly in love with his good friend “Wendy.”
He’s asked me to write a detailed “how-to-get-Wendy” guide based on my past experiences of situations with friends. The guide he imagined me writing requested excessive minutiae, such as “how fast should I respond when she texts”, “should I respond all the time when she messages me” or “should I say yes if she asks me to lunch.” Basically, he asked me to think up every scenario possible and write a one-size-fits-all guide.
Let’s see, Gruby. Whoa, there’s been a number of hook-ups-with-friends. I know you wanted me to synthesize elements common with these girls and write it down for you, but each case was different.
All of these girls, I thought of as just friends. I still think of them as just friends. But there aren’t many elements in common between these situations, at least not to the level of detail you were demanding. Getting lunch or how often we texted/called or how often we hung out didn’t make any difference.
Now, Gruber claims he loves Wendy. Whatever. Let’s call a spade a spade and just put this out there: basically, you want to bone Wendy.
I’m going to keep this guide simple for you, buddy. You are seriously over-thinking, over-worrying and over-analyzing it to the point of paralysis. Hopefully, these elements will simplify everything for you. If she doesn’t go for it, you can mope for 24 hours (the 24-hour rule is remarkably effective, and a key hallmark of Code Red. One is allowed to bitch, moan, piss, whine to one’s friends for 24 hours from time of romantic travesty. After that, Stfu. You didn’t die. You’re fine.), then move on. Completely. (Crunching the math, it takes me on average just a little under 4 hours to get over a break-up/severing-of-communication/parting-of-ways. I wake up, hungover from redbull vodka, bitch about the incident to a close friend, and by noon I’m completely dandy about the subject forever. This has stopped amazing my friends.)
Gentlemen and ladies, if you want to start a situation with your friend, this guide applies as well. These are all integral elements. In my experiences from distant-past to recent-now, if any of these elements are missing, you’re better off going on to the next one, on to the next one.
Test #1: If she doesn’t find you physically attractive, move on. This is pretty much it right here. If you don’t pass this test, move on. Girls give their opinion of you in various ways, so keep your ears open, and pay attention when she’s talking.
You need to think back and see if she said anything to tune of “you’re good-looking.” If you want to know if she sees you as just a friend or a man, you need to throw out a feeler bet (this is a bet in poker where you bet a set amount into the pot to provoke a reaction. It’s used primarily to receive information on the strength of the opposing player’s hand). This is the sole reason why I blurt out “I’m in love with you” or “damn, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world” when I’m drunk.
FYI, her statement needs to be absolutely unambiguous. You’re not looking for “you look nice in that shirt today” or “I think some girls might find you attractive.” There should be no guesswork involved. My friends in the past made it absolutely clear.
Test #2: If she refuses to drink with you, you have no shot. Nobody hooks up with a friend they’ve known for years for the first time when there’s broad daylight and they’re sober.
There’s no way around this one.
Test #3: If she doesn’t want to hang out with you after midnight, you have no shot. There’s only three remotely possible things drunk people want to do after 12 am. (1) party more; (2) hook up; (3) pass out. It can be one or all of these things, but this is essentially it.
It doesn’t matter where. She doesn’t wanna get Mexican food with you after 1 am? Doesn’t wanna come over? Doesn’t invite you over? Doesn’t wanna walk her dog or play Frisbee? Never gonna happen.
And I don’t mean invite yourself along to wherever she’s going. After midnight, drunk people tend to linger around the people they wanna hang with. If the person they wanna hang with isn’t around, they’ll call/text them.
“Everything fun happens after two o’clock” and “nothing good happens after two o’clock” and “nobody’s ugly after two o’clock.”
Test #4: Kiss Her. This is self-explanatory. At some point, you should realize you should attempt to kiss her. There’s no magical “perfect timing” so do it whenever you feel it’s a decent time. Don’t wait for the perfect time.
May I suggest the dance-floor. The dance-floor is the most “romantic” place to have a first kiss lol. You even get a theme song to pump you up! Hahahhaa.
That's it, Gruber. No matter how much you analyze, re-analyze, over-analyze the situation, there's no getting around these four elements. If you want Wendy, you cannot be missing any of these points.
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