Gruber is =[ because he don’t wanna be no. 5, “Pies” defined, Mechanics of the “roster”, etc.

Wellp, my last entry is starting to gain me some traffic! Almost 70 unique views on that blog entry. I guess “cheating” touches universal chords.

Anyways, so my pal Gruber was a bit disturbed by the section on “Blue”, in which Blue describes her “roster.” He was feverishly hoping that he was not simply an “ego-boost.”

That inspired this entry.  Let’s start this shit from the top.

Some terminology I will be using:

A pie is, simply put, a romantic interest. Now, not everybody has a specific name for a romantic interest, but everyone has a “list.”

I don’t know how the word “pie” got started (the most common synonym I’ve heard is plates, as in I’m juggling a few plates) but that’s the name that’s stuck with me. If I refer to a girl as a pie, that is someone that I am either banging or interested in banging.

A second-round draft-pick is, for lack of sexier words, a far-away pie. Maybe she lives 30 minutes away. Maybe she’s in Portland. Maybe she’s in New York. Maybe she’s in bumble-bee-fuck-Australia, I don’t know. Regardless, a second-round draft-pick is someone far away who you have banged/are interested in banging that you still keep in touch with. Why? 

Because whenever you guys are in the same area, she “vests” into a pie.

The term is due to my admiration for the San Antonio Spurs, who are notorious for drafting second-round picks and turning them into all-stars.

The Mechanics of the “Roster”:

I didn’t think Gruber would find the example list of Blue’s “roster” to be so surprising, but I guess it highlights a fundamental flaw with his pre-pubescent Code Red.

Here are two universal rules for you all.

1.       Every attractive girl is talking to more than one dude.

2.      Every guy who is capable of doing so is talking to more than one girl.

There are exceptions/corollaries to these rules, which I will list here.

1.       If the girl is not (airquote) attractive (/airquote), she is the equivalent of the inept guy.

2.      Guys generally juggle as many girls as they can. If they do not, it is because they are (a) incapable; (b) lacking confidence;  or (c) religious.

3.      GENERALLY SPEAKING, the average girl is juggling more pies than the average guy. No, you fucking misogynist, this is not because girls are “inherently whores” or “shady” or whatnot. This is simply supply and demand. The average guy is less capable of grabbing multiple girls than the average girl is of grabbing multiple guys. (I call this the Economics of the Club. If the guy shatters this paradigm, he is Red.)

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s start with Rule 1. Most girls (single or taken, it doesn’t matter)  I know are talking to anywhere from 2-5 guys at the same time. The most common number seems to be about 3.  Unsurprisingly, they rank their list. It goes something like this: 

(no. 1) saved for “love of their lives”/ex-boyfriend they’re pining for/ elusive, slippery guy who they’re intrigued by;

(no. 2) either a lesser version of no. 1, or someone who reminds them of no. 1;

(no.3) some guy they find reasonably attractive that they wouldn’t mind hooking up with, but not a person they’d take “seriously”;

(no.4) ego-boost;

(no. 5 and below) ego-boost. As you get lower on this list, the guy’s status ranges from ego-boost to emotional slave.

I have yet to see any girl’s list vary too differently from that model answer.  Many girls do not even have slots for no.4s on down. Ego-boosts are for the sadistic.

This is really no different than any guy’s list.  Basic rule of thumb: Code Red Killers > Girls you felt strong chemistry with > Cool girls with slutty tendencies > Random club-hoes.

            Wait a minute, you may say. LISTS? I NEVER HAD A LIST! I AM <insert positive adjective>! You’re <insert negative adjective>!!!

First of all, if you’re claiming you don’t have a list, you’re lying. That makes you a worse person than me. At least I’m honest.  But you? On top of what you’re accusing me of doing, you’re also a liar and a hypocrite, so shush. Second, nobody sits down and actually WRITES out this list. I only realized my ranking of priorities when I sat down and thought about it for some time. If you were to do the same soul-searching, mister or miss, you’d realize that you, too, have a list. Why don’t you try sketching it out. Pot-kettle-black.

Now, what is the point of having a list? I don’t know why other people have it. I never cared to ask. It doesn’t really matter; I’m sure you’ll hear all kinds of different answers. I’ll use an educated guess (based on my inferences and personal opinion) to surmise the reason for the importance of the Roster.

1.       If you lose anyone from your List, at least you didn’t “put all your eggs in one basket.” This is the reason why I always had a list. If someone drops off, hey,  it’s just like a basketball line-up! Stars become superstars, 6^th men become starters, third-stringers stay, uh, third-stringers! (universal rule: 4s and 5s NEVER get promoted.)

2.      People are busy. If you wanna really do something on one night, and someone isn’t available, you can still amuse yourself with someone else.

3.      Variety is the spice of life.

4.      Because you can.

I don’t really have anything to say to the girls about their lists. Girls have been keeping their rosters for time immemorial and that’s like the secrets of your sisterhood or whatnot. You discuss that amongst yourselves.

For the guys reading this: as I alluded to in my past entry, girls generally feel like they possess the exclusive right to own a “list” while guys who have “lists” are dogs. Keeping that in mind, I’d suggest that:

(1) you do not bake more than 3 pies at a time. Having more than 3 increases the chance that you’ll get caught, which increases the chances of the situation erupting in a potential maelstrom of drama that culminates with her cockblocking you for eternity, messaging random girls off your facebook, spreading outright lies to mutual friends, etc. etc.

 (2) you separate them geographically if possible;

 (3) keep your list discrete (this is actually almost impossible versus the snooping power of a girl, but nevertheless, try).

So, Gruber, are you an Ego-boost? Here’s how to Tell.

There are some surefire ways to tell if you are a no. 1 or a no.2. It’s hard to tell if you are actually number one, but you can infer it. For the ladies: flip the pronouns and these generally apply for you as well.

Note: if you are a no. 4 and below, you will NEVER be promoted. Seriously. You will not be the exception to the rule.

Signs you are a minimum no. 2:

(1)   She goes on a trip with you. (if she continually wants to go on a trip with you, or continually invites you on trips, the chance that you’re a number one gets higher. Note for girls: this does not necessarily apply when a guy does it).

(2)  She is willing to hang out with you on a Friday or Saturday night. These are primetime nights, son. (If she continually hangs out with you on Fridays or Saturdays, you are at a minimum a no. 2. If she continually hangs out with you on Fridays AND Saturdays, you got a situation.)

(3)  She goes way out of her way to help or see you. (If she comes from another state or country, then it’s obvious. If she comes from a city that involves more than 30 minutes of driving, it’s obvious. People don’t go out of their way to see anyone they’re not super into, and they certainly do not go out of their way to help you beyond the call of politeness unless they’re into you.)

(4)  She pries at you or your friends about your personal life. She expresses jealousy of “competitors.” (These are not things that friends do to each other. You also have to distinguish actual jealousy of competitors versus simple selfishness at the thought of losing your attention.)

(5)  She “marks” her territory. This generally ranges from leaving all her crap at your place to blowing up your facebook wall.

(6)  Her friends are extra-nice to you/they seem to know all about you when you meet them for the first time.

(7)  She seems to match her interests with yours. For example, if you love this band, surprise surpise, she loves that band too. If you are into Carthaginian history, surprise surprise, she’s fascinated by the Second Punic War too.

(8) She makes an effort to be likable to your friends.

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. Generally speaking, the more “hits” you get from this list, the higher the chance that you are number one. The less “hits” you get (more than zero though) the higher the chance you are number three.

Signs you are an ego-boost/emotional slave/discardable.

(1)   She expresses no sexual jealousy at competitors. (if this is true, you are automatically nixed from numbers 1-3 on her list)

(2)  She rarely or never tries to find out about your personal life. (if this is true, you are automatically nixed from numbers 1-3 on her list)

(3)  She often doesn’t remember any details of things you say which are unrelated to her. (If a girl is into a guy/guy is into a girl, they remember almost EVERYTHING. I’m not kidding. And they sometimes try and get it out of you when you’re trashed too.)

(4)  She “forgets” days you’re supposed to meet up. (If this is true, you are automatically nixed from slots 1-2 on her list)

(5)  She only contacts you if she needs something, be it venting or whining or a favor. (Note: the more mature the girl is, the less likely she is to do this.)

(6)  Her friends have no idea who you are when you meet them. (She don’t talk about you ‘cause you don’t cross her mind)

(7)  She doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your friends.

(8) She never goes out of her way to help you/see you in any way. (If this is true, you are automatically nixed from slots 1 and 2 on her list).

There you have it. Look at the two lists,  and compare them. Notice that the second list has a number of booby-traps in which, if true, you’re better off going on to the next one, on to the next one.

Weiner’s Weiner, Shady-rams, Cheating, and You.

Hot topic these days: Cheating.

No no, I don’t mean in a “everyone’s doing it” sort of way, (although I know a few people who are.)

The media uproar over Weiner’s weiner-pic got some people talking about what exactly constitutes cheating. Is taking a picture of your dick and sending it to some people on twitter “cheating”? (my answer is no.)

What exactly even counts as cheating? 

I’ve had this conversation with a few people over the past months, and I think it’s interesting how people’s opinions vary.  Gotta admit, I’ve heard some draconian, absurd definitions. In this entry, I’ve decided to profile some conversations I had with guys and girls on this subject, then sprinkle in my own thoughts on the subject as well.

First, let’s get this out of the way.

Universally,

·         Fucking someone else is cheating

What is cheating, according to: “Molly”, “Wanda”, “Javier”, “Quentin”, “Blue”, and “Barry.”

Molly: Molly is some chick I know, the only girl in this sample who is the same ethnicity as me. 

When me and Molly spoke about cheating, I found her definition to be obscenely absurd. I chalked it up to the “bubble” she grew up in, and her religious nature.

According to her, DANCING with someone else constituted cheating. Yes, dancing. Not making out, not fucking, not holding hands or spending hours with, but dancing. I had a good chuckle.  I also got a good glimpse into her worldview. 

According to Molly, if me and her were in a relationship, I would not be allowed to talk to any girls. Any. Not even Karen, one of my three closest friends. It gets better: IF I were even allowed to go out and party, she demanded she be able to pick me up from wherever I was. Even Vegas.

 

Well, technically, I guess if you count dancing as cheating, I’d cheat on her every time I go out. 

I obviously disagreed. Dancing is dancing. Sure, it may ratchet up the tension, it may grind clothed-genitals on clothed-genitals, and it lets you “preview” the motion in the ocean, but dancing is NOT cheating.

Javier: Javier is a good friend of mine, one who I know very well.  We’ve gone on many an adventure together, and IF I ever get married, he would definitely be one of my groomsmen. He also gets laid more than any one non-rockstar human being can. I’m not kidding. The guy is unstoppable. 

According to Javier, it’s only “cheating” if you get caught. And if you’re not a dumbass, you won’t get caught. These are pretty self-evident statements I think everyone can agree with.

He never specified a bright-line rule for what actually constitutes cheating. His rationale was this: if you don’t get caught, you’re not cheating, so don’t get caught.

He also had a rationale that “everyone” cheats. Depending on how you define cheating, this is more or less true. He’s cheated (I’m using the fucking-someone-else-definition here) and he’s obviously run into many girls who willingly and surreptitiously cheat on their boyfriends.

Blue: Blue was someone I saw constantly (too constantly) for a short era in my life. Her opinions on cheating really get at what I think is the Girl’s Double-Standard on Cheating. 

What double-standard, you say? Basically,  girls think it’s okay when they behave in certain ways when they’re with someone, but they do NOT think it’s okay when their guys do the exact same thing. You can deny it, you can twist it, but you ladies know this is true.

According to Blue, it was in a girl’s nature to be pursued by pursuers, while it was in a guy’s nature to pursue. Therefore, it was okay for girls to be stringing along multiple suitors (she even ranked them. Numbers 1 and 2 were the top, while anything below ranged from a “I-have-nothing-better-to-do-tonight” to a simple ego-boost), while it was DEFINITELY not okay for guys to be juggling multiple girls. This made them a “douche”. Her rationale made no sense to me: she explained that she was merely passively responding to other guys pursuing her, while I was actively hunting other girls.

 You can’t have it both ways, lady. You can’t use the double standard. If I can do it, I think it’s okay if girls do it too. LIKEWISE, if you girls do it, why can’t I do it too?

Blue had absurd restrictions planned for me like Molly. I wasn’t allowed to talk to other girls (Karen was okay). I was to call and check in every day. I had to let her know who I was with whenever I went to hit the town. Blue also enjoyed reading gchat chat-logs and emails under the rationale of “why, are you creeping around? If you have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t matter, right?”

She decided to “sweeten” the pot by saying she’d comply to these restrictions too. I politely told her to go fuck herself. Lol, we are no longer on speaking terms.

BUT, Blue was interesting because it showed: (1) the depths that some people would go to “prevent” cheating (whatever cheating is), (2) the Girl’s Double Standard, (3) the draconian standard of cheating used (she thought hanging out with another girl excessively constituted cheating). 

Quentin: Lest Wanda starts calling me an asshole again, I’m presenting Shady Quent as the FLIP-SIDE of Molly and Blue. 

Shady Quent has what I’ll label as an example of the Guy’s Double-Standard.

According to Shady Quent, a girlfriend giving out her number to another guy (for whatever reason) constitutes a form of cheating: PRE-cheating. Girls should not be giving out their numbers to any guys. Therefore, cheating starts with FLIRTING. 

I guffawed. First of all, people should be able to give out their numbers to whoever they want, in my opinion. Everybody flirts. 

But why is this the Guy’s Double-Standard, you ask? Wellp, Shady Quent takes umbrage at the fact his girlfriend may dare to give her number out to some random dude, but he has no qualms about boning other girls. In this, he applies Javier’s patented “If you don’t get caught, it’s not cheating!” approach.

I’m noticing a pattern here.

I dunno, Quent, if you’re out banging some other girl, I think it’s only fair that she gets to ride other dudes too. You can’t be eating cheesecake while she only gets to eat muffins.

Barry: Barry is a different example from the morally-gray demeanors of Javier and Quentin.

Barry is a self-proclaimed “nice guy”, and for the most part, he is. 

But nice guys have exacting standards, and they expect their girls to be “good girls.”

And good girls don’t slut it up.  Slutting it up, by definition, includes the obvious: fucking, making out, etc. It ALSO, according to Barry, includes grinding, dancing, getting trashed, and even DRESSING provocatively.

I realize this is going on a derail, so I’ll move it back to the topic at hand.

When Barry is even casually interested in someone (not even seeing, but interested in), he considers it a deal-breaker if she kisses another guy. 

I told him that was absurd. People can make out with whoever they want, especially if they are single. If they make out with other people, that’s their prerogative, but he shouldn’t be judging/nexting/nixing them for that.

He disagreed. If a girl he is interested in is making out with another guy, for whatever reason (maybe it was to get his attention?), that is not only reason enough to stop pursuing her, but it is also reason to cut her out of his life.

I consider Barry the analogue to Molly.

Wanda: Wanda more or less used the same Girl’s Double Standard, but not nearly to the same degree as Blue.

She defined cheating by INTENT. 

That was interesting. I mean, at first, she didn’t really give an exact definition, so I kept throwing hypos at her. Would it be cheating if a guy stripped naked in the same room as another girl, but there was no touching involved whatsoever? Would it be cheating if a guy was holding hands with another girl in a club? Dancing?   Repeat ad nauseum. 

She tired of answering these hypos, and distilled everything to intent.

According to her, if a guy was getting a girl’s phone number to be pals, that wasn’t shady. If he was getting another girl’s number for late-night rendezvous, that constituted cheating.  Likewise, if he was just dancing to have fun, that was fine, but if he was dancing to get some sweet-potato-pie-preview, that was shady.

Makes sense. I actually liked her definition a lot.

Except I felt she used a far more lenient standard when judging the actions of girls versus the actions of guys ;)

Me:  I’m just going to get the definitions out of the way. To me, cheating consists of anything involving topless, bottomless, or heavy petting.

I think Molly, Blue, Quentin, and Barry’s standards of cheatings border on the comical. Dancing is not cheating. Talking is not cheating. Flirting is not cheating. Numbers are not cheating. And if me and a girl I’m into aren’t officially together (and you all know me. I’m never “officially” with anyone) I could give two shits whether she’s making out with someone or getting gangbanged by the entire population of La Mirada.

IF I liked a girl enough to give two shits, they would be Code-Red-Killers, and Code-Red-Killers (only 5 known ones exist, 3 do not reside in this country) don’t do stuff like that, so the point is moo, like a cow’s opinion. 

I agree with Quentin and Blue that everyone (guys and girls) always keep a “line-up” around. I disagree with them in that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Nobody puts all their eggs in one basket, so what’s the big deal, eh? 

Now, cheating is morally wrong, and you shouldn’t do it. Instead of cheating on someone, you should just dump their ass right before you fuck someone else, if even a minute's notice.  I don’t know, this is all theoretical to me, since nothing I do technically counts as cheating. But, I understand that some (most?) people consider emotions to be SERIOUSBUSINESSYO and they get all butt-hurt, so simply from an avoiding-drama-efficiently point of view, you shouldn’t do it. 

But if you DO decide to do it (and in my experience, there are a lot of you), don’t get caught.