** TL;DR version: A loose, cotton yoke is better than a suffocating, steel yoke.**
Me and Quentin have been talking about this a lot lately. Gee, I wonder why.
I’m going to start with my conclusion: I am now of the opinion that a long-distance relationship is better than a “same-city” relationship.
Yes, yes, I realize the irony of me talking about such things as a relationship or a commitment or monogamy or any of those things. I’ll be the first to admit that I am extremely (some would say unreasonably) commitment-phobic.
Discussing this in great detail with Quentin, however, lead me to some of the following realizations.
I should warn that these realizations come with a huge disclaimer: this entry is comparing long-distance relationships to same-city relationships, NOT extolling the virtues of a long-distance relationship on its own merits.
Or, as Gruber said, “you forgot the part where you playboy your way to Fail.” Circumstances in life make it right now so that I’m not actually going out and schmoozing at the moment (and I haven’t been, for the past two or so months.) Obviously, this could change. Or not. We’ll see.
Anyways, here are the things I realized about long-distance:
** A long-distance relationship gives the space that I think is so, so, so healthy for a relationship to work. I don’t know about you, but the thing that scared me off in yesteryears was this simple fact: I’m not trying to be a goddamn Siamese Twin with anyone.
I find it wholly unnecessary to spend every waking moment with someone, nor do I have any (and I mean any) desire to see an S.O. 4 or 5 times a week. I have my own life, you have yours, and we share our lives with each other because we choose to. This does not mean that we become one person, and that our social circles merge, and that I need to ask or give permission for every mickey-mouse thing that people do in their lives. Space is important.
** It keeps things refreshing. Over the years, my oft-stated nightmare of what a relationship was like went something like this: Stuck every Saturday night going to some fondue restaurant with the girl and all of her friends (because me hanging out with my friends is frowned upon) and her friends’s boyfriends (who I barely even know) , being all polite and uncomfortable and, basically, bored out of my fucking mind. I saw what a relationship did to my good friends Javier and Quentin, and I was like “fuck that noise, that ain’t me, son.”
A long distance relationship gives you freedom from having to do shit like that on a routine basis. On the few occasions you have to do it… it’s not as bad, because it’s not a routine! It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy haha.
** It gives you freedom. I don’t like things that stifle my individual personhood (try to say that to someone without lolling). This isn’t a one-way street. When I say “don’t tread on me”, I’m not gonna tread on her individual personhood (lol) either. Go to Vegas. Go out and have girls’ nights out. Lots of them. I don’t care. You can go out and have fun, I can go out and have fun, nobody is tripping out over the small shit, and at the end of the day, we’re both happier for it.
Besides, nights apart just accentuate how much more fun the nights together are.
** It self-selects for partners who are secure. Obviously long-distance relationships require trust, faith, and security. This means neither side should be obsessing over opposite-sex friends or harmless flirting or this or that.
Long-distance relationships solve that mickey mouse shit! They self-select for partners who are secure both in your bond and what you have, rather than degenerating into a “WHY DID YOU SMILE AT HER” nonsense I notice happens a lot.
And there you have it. They cleanly discard clingy, co-dependent, insecure, paranoid slaves of routine.
