I thought this would be relevant to recent events. All relationships/friendly arrangements/situations etc. are bound to end some time. Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, ending a situation can be awkward, tortuous, and even painful.
Over the years, I’ve given notice a number of times that I wanted out of a situation. Other times, I’ve been given notice as well.
Below are some general guidelines on “ending a situation” (a euphemism for dumping someone, I guess). Remember: the point is to keep things as painless, quick, and clinical as possible. You’d also like to remain on good terms if possible.
Before we start, keep in mind that the dumpee usually goes through 5 stages: (1) denial; (2) bargaining; (3) anger; (4) despair; (5) acceptance. This process can take hours or years. The dumpee doesn’t always hit ALL of these stages. When the person you’re dumping starts acting up, etc., try and pinpoint where on this 5-point scale they are situated.
Let us proceed.
If you are the Dumper:
· If possible, give “constructive” notice. This means stop calling them, ignore their calls, give notice via a text/email/IM, or make it plainly obvious you are extricating yourself from the situation. Note: it is considered bad taste to end an actual relationship this way. For all other arrangements, this is okay.
· IF you are in a relationship, meet them at a neutral location (i.e Starbucks or a club.) Dumpees are prone to wailing and throwing histrionic fits, screeching and shrieking, crying and lamenting. You want to avoid these. If you dump them when they come over, they will sometimes refuse to leave. If you dump them when you are over their place, they will sometimes refuse to let you leave. Under no circumstances should you dump anyone when either of you are operating a motor vehicle.
· Make it clear that (1) it is over; (2) your decision is final; (3) continuing friendship (if this is even on the table) is contingent on good behavior; (4) they can pick up their crap at x location at y time; (5) there is nothing left to discuss.
These conversations should ideally take 5-10 minutes. Sometimes they do not. The dumpee will demand an explanation. Give her/him one if you want; I usually just leave this part out, as it is irrelevant to the finality of the decision. They will ask stupid questions. They will cry (Once they start crying, that is your cue to leave. If you respond to their tears, they will catch on to that, and start them on cue anytime they want your attention. Do not enable this behavior.) They will bargain or negotiate. Stand your ground. If they persist, leave.
· There are only a few ways she will react in the coming days/week: (1) accept it and leave you alone (obviously, this is ideal); (2) whore herself out (this is not your problem. Ignore her histrionic spasm of self-destructive behavior); (3) attempt to be your friend (sever this option if she shows any penchant for cockblocking, spying, acting possessive, or any other crazy, insane behavior); or, possibly the most likely, (4) act crazy.
What should you do if she acts crazy? Now, I understand you may have genuine feelings and concerns for this person’s welfare, and that is fine. But realize that is a weakness which she will pick up on. She will call you for a number of “emergencies” i.e her car broke down, her pet died, her dad’s in the hospital, she’s sad, etc. etc.
IGNORE ALL OF THESE SQUEAKS FOR YOUR AID. THEY ARE TRAPS. Dumpees tend to exaggerate or even concoct “emergencies” and use these as the scapegoats for why they are “sad” when the reason they are sad is primarily linked to you giving them the proverbial boot.
Nevertheless, she is going to act crazy and try and guilt-trip you etc. etc. She is going to make it sound as if you have some duty to ensure that she is “okay.” These are the rants of a lunatic. You have no such duty. Once you gave notice that you were done with her, you have no further obligations to her.
· I understand you may be feeling guilty at causing someone you cherished so much pain. Stop. Remember, you broke it off for a reason.
She will pick up on this guilt. She will attempt to tug at the strings of sentimentality. This will end horribly, and you will kick yourself in the ass if you fall for this oldest trick in the book.
Once again, she no longer has any relevance in your life. Whether she wins a billion fucking dollars in the lottery or contracts eyebrow cancer, she is no longer your problem. Do not let her guilt-trip you into doing things you do not want to do.
If you are relatively inexperienced with the other sex, it is a 100% surety that you will fall for this trick. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
· Always remember: you ended it for a reason. It doesn’t even have to be a good reason to the objective person. All it has to be is a good reason for yourself. As long as your net happiness is higher after than before, that is reason enough.
· If you’re getting cold feet, remember this adage: “If someone’s heart is gonna get broken, it miiiiggghtt as well not be mine! :D”. You have no duty to be “merciful” or “gentle”. Think back to the times you were dumped; was the other side “merciful” or “gentle”?
If you are the Dumpee:
· This part is actually a lot easier, because it removes the responsibility of coming up with some kind of canned speech. If you are the dumpee, it is pretty straight-forward.
· First: nod, acknowledge them, smile, and leave. You are free! BUT REMEMBER: keep things amicable! This is not the time to tell them any stories they never knew about. People tend to get bitter about any such surprises. Literally, nod, smile, leave.
· Second: Call up your people. Freedom isn’t free, and you better celebrate it!
· Should you stay friends? Well, that depends. Ex-sex is always a possibility if you leave things amicably. They could also have hot friends. In general, err on the side of good terms. Obviously, if they’re being a pain in the ass, you cut the cancer out.
· Third: Call up any prospective girls that have been waiting for you to be free of any encumbrances (and there is usually at least one girl who’s been waiting on your harpy to fly away).
And that’s pretty much it. Just keep in mind that as situations begin, they also end, and then other ones begin anew, etc.
Keep it surgical, keep it friendly, and you’ll be fine, whether you are the dumper OR the dumpee =)
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